Transcript

Dave

Welcome listeners, we’re back. We’re back, Jay, right? We’ve been away for a long time.

Jay

You say we’ve been away for a long time—we only released one the other week, but we haven’t recorded for a long time. I think that’s what you mean.

Dave

That’s good, Jay’s the technical man, he knows what’s going on. Well, we do have an excuse though, listeners, in case you’ve been wondering “Oh where’s that I Don’t Have Time To Game Anymore podcast, You know—apart from the one they’ve just released. I’ve had a baby, so…

Jay

Not you.

Dave

Not me personally, you know—I’m taking all the credit, but I have not given birth to a child—my wife has obviously and, you know… oh thanks, Jay! … thanks for the congratulations.

Jay

Congratulations on behalf of all our listeners.

Dave

Umm, baby girl. I wanted to call her… I thought it would be nice to give her a gaming name, so I called her Bioshock [laughs].

Jay

The Big Daddy. Or, you’re the Big Daddy?

Dave

[Laughing] I’m the Big Daddy, yeah. I tell her to call me… she goes “Daddy”, I say “Big Daddy, Big Daddy!”. I go around the house with the big, you know…

Jay

Drill bit.

Dave

No, I was going to say the bubble thing on my head.

Jay

The drill bit is a bit more menacing, isn’t it?

Dave

Yeah, and just an actual drill—not a big drill bit—to walk around the house. So anyway, that’s what’s been happening—you know.

Jay

I see we’re talking about Bioshock again [chuckles].

Dave

Yeaaaah, well. My point is the whole podcast is about I don’t have time to game anymore but now I’ve got another kid, so I really don’t have time to game anymore. The podcast should just be cut there now—that’s it—we don’t have any time at all.

Jay

This… is the end of “I Don’t Have Time To Game Anymore”

Dave

So it’s a miracle I’m here, to be honest. All the stars got aligned with the baby sleeping, and obviously, I’ve got my other daughter as well.

Jay

Yeah.

Dave

So maybe now with me, you know, extra responsibilities, I think my input into the podcast should just be, maybe I should just review—I don’t even think I’m going to have time—literally not have time to play any games, I think I’ll just have to review when you push the “on” button on the console…

Jay

The chime!

Dave

[Laughing] the chime! By the time the chime’s done, I’ve gotta go and change a diaper or a nappy. And the intro screen? Maybe I could compare the intro screens or the interface and stuff. That’ll be my new thing. What have you been up to Jay?

Jay

[Musing] What have I been up to?

Dave

You were trying to build some sort of cat contraption for them to get outside, without actually taking them outside or something.

Jay

The listeners will remember last episode we talked about my cat’s ongoing vetinarian issues.

Dave

[Interjects] Put’em down.

Jay

[Chuckles] The latest is that they’re technically “indoor cats” so we’re trying to find a way to, I dunno, give them some space outside because we don’t have a garden but we have a driveway. So we’re thinking of building something on the driveway, but we need planning permission for that.

Dave

You’ve got windows though, right? So maybe you could attach them to a kite?

Jay

Let’s go fly a cat.

Dave

[Singing] Let’s gooo flyyyy a caaat.

Dave

Someone’s looking out their window—”is that a cat?” Jay’s there waving.

Jay

Put them in one of—you know those Chinese lanterns? And let him go. He’s just floating over London, screaming his head off.

Dave

Yeah, you just put a tracker on him and see where he lands, right?

Jay

I was actually going to say, whoever finds him, wins him—as a prize. I just never bother to track him down.

Dave

Yeah, there’s a little note saying “Congratulations, this cat is now yours.” There’s a list of his health issues—”Please take him to the vet now and address these issues”.

Jay

Yeah, he’s probably burnt after the Chinese lantern.

Dave

So anything else going down Jay?

Jay

I’ve mostly been playing Spider-Man and…

Dave

Oh, tell the listeners how you’ve come across your Spider-Man game.

Jay

Hm ok. Well, this’ll tie in with the exotic introduction. The voice you heard at the beginning of the show was actually my flatmate, PK. And, his girlfriend decided to get Spider-Man on release day. I was… holding off.

Dave

What a great girlfriend. Don’t we all wish we had a girl like that, listeners?

Jay

Yeah, I’m pretty jealous. So she decided to get it on launch day, and there’s me trying to hold off, thinking “oh I’m not going to play Spider-Man for a few months at least, I’m going to complete some other games first”. And, low and behold she came over for the weekend, brought Spider-Man and PK was like “Oh, do you wanna play the intro, Jay? Do you wanna just get a feel of it?”, and I was like “I don’t really”, it’s just like taking a snort of crack.

Dave

He’s like the snake, isn’t he? In Adam and Eve—just trying to tempt you.

Jay

[Laughing] I thought you were going to say, Harry Potter. Yeah, he is the snake. I started playing it, and then I thought “Oh, I’ll just hold off.” But then, the twist is that his girlfriend left it; she forgot it. And she went back up to Scotland. So I was thinking, it’s going to be a while ‘til she gets that. Unless he sneaks it in the post, but he didn’t—which means basically, I’m getting to play Spider-Man for free.

Dave

So I think the takeaway from this, listeners, is if you’re—you know—a bit strapped for cash, get yourself a room-mate, but you have to interview the room-mate and say “so, is your girlfriend a gamer? Will she leave a few games knocking around?” and I think if the answer’s “yes”, get her in.

Jay

What a take-away.

Dave

But, you know—options, right? Everyone’s having options.

Jay

Yep. And, do you have any other news, Dave? Apart from the baba.

Dave

No, just with baby stuff now, all hands on deck.

Jay

If you’re done I’ve got a tip for you.

Dave

Yeah, what’s your tip? Don’t have kids—keep your willy in your pants!

Jay

Well one of the things I do, is in between episodes, whenever I think of something I think maybe vaguely interesting, I write it down. I had an epiphany. This is up there with when I discovered that I could brush my teeth in the shower.

Dave

Oi, I’ve got a bone to pick with you about the toothbrush in the shower. I started doing that but I think I’ve got an electric toothbrush and I think it’s fucked up.

Jay

Well I didn’t say electric.

Dave

Mine’s just in there now buzzing randomly in the drawer.

Jay

[Laughing] You did shove it up your arse.

Dave

I do brush my teeth with a dildo, but I only buy things that are multi-functional. Yeah, carry on Jay, sorry, sorry.

Jay

OK, I’ve got a pro tip for our listeners that are living with either partners or children. What I was thinking Dave, is everyone has bodily functions that they need to take care of, right?

Dave

Yep, shitting…

Jay

Well, next time you need to, you know, relieve yourself of some gas…

Dave

Yeah. Fart in the shower or something?

Jay

You’re not far away ‘cause what happens is—you know—I try and let them out every now and again, and I think they’re going to be quiet, and you can bet Jana is around—gives me the look—so what I do now, and what I noticed was, if you’re vacuuming and let one off—no-one can hear it.

Dave

[Laughing] Jay’s there, just farting away, doing the hoovering.

Jay

Also, I have a cordless vacuum, which is recommended for its minimal set-up time, so if I need to do a quick one, I just grab the cordless vacuum, pretend I’m cleaning the flat and just let one off—you can be as loud as you want.

Dave

I assume this is like, you know, you’re both sitting on the couch after an Indian takeaway. She looks over; your face starts getting a bit twisted; your mouth starts twisting; you run for the vacuum.

Jay

Best thing is. I’ll tell you what, there’s no way she’s listening to this podcast, either.

Dave

No. What if it smells of shit though? You can’t blame the vacuum “ohh this vacuum”

Jay

“It’s blocked up!”

Dave

“I’m going to send it back to Dyson! Every time I use it, it stinks of shit”

Jay

[Giggling]

Dave

“Can you believe this Jana? This shoddy workmanship”

Jay

I haven’t thought that one through.

Dave

Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention was, Jana’s away, right? So you’ve got free time.

Jay

She is—a rare occassion. Normally in the evening I have to do something with her but, not anymore.

Dave

Yeah, because I don’t know about you but I feel like my wife—I don’t know if it’s the same with your fiancé. They don’t seem to have many hobbies, do they?

Jay

No.

Dave

When I game…

Jay

I told her the other day—I got fed up the other day—I said “you need to get some hobbies”.

Dave

[Laughing] “You need more hobbies”

Jay

They do!

Dave

Yeah, I feel like if I’m gaming, they want me to entertain them, and it’s like… you know—I wonder if there’s a big book of hobbies on Amazon that you can just give them as a gift or something. Something that they could do that would benefit your gaming like [gasps laughing] punching them in the face until they just go to sleep. Just keep punching them.

Jay

I thought you were going to say polishing the discs or something—some kind of abstract polishing.

Dave

[High pitched mock voice] “Ooooh I’ve got a hobby for you. Here’s some discs”

Jay

“Here’s a duster”

Dave

I don’t feel like you need to polish discs anymore. I don’t feel like they scratch.

Jay

Mine don’t even leave the drive because I don’t have games… well I do have games, but I’ve got no time to game anymore, so I never switch the disc.

Dave

No, but that’s golden though for when you sell it, right? You can advertise no scratches.

Jay

Yep, yep.

Dave

Anyway, shall we go onto the news? We had a good catchup, let’s move on to the news.

News

Red Dead Redemption Details

Dave

I’ve noticed a lot of Red Dead Redemption hype, have you seen a lot of that now going around?

Jay

[Sighs] Yeah. I’ve got fucking Facebook adverts following me around now with Red Dead Redemption trailers.

Dave

Well what perked my interest was that there was an article about the details—because Rockstar are always big on little details, right? And one of the details that caught my attention is—I mean—I’m wondering, are the details—you know—going too far? Are they going too far with this amount of detail? Did you know, for example, that in the new Red Dead Redemption game, the horses testicles will shrink in the cold and expand in warmer weather?

Jay

This game has been development too long, I think.

Dave

Like, is that wasted effort, you know? I dunno who’s out there going “Oh, I’m not buying Red Dead, I’m not buying Red Dead!” then they see “Oh, what, the horses testicles, they shrink?”

Jay

“They stay the same size?!”

Dave

“Yeah, I’m not buying a game where the testicles stay the same size. I want them to shrink and expand—I want a photo mode!”

Jay

They’re trying to get the horse to cough.

Dave

Could they have brought it out a bit earlier? I like details, but there must be some details where you think “don’t bother mate”, you know—someone comes into your office and says “Shall we do the horses testicles?”

Jay

Well, you say that—I think a lot of the polish on the current gen—and what’s probably going to be the next gen is—is all about animation [trails off, chuckling] and… I’m not talking about the animating horse testicles, but…

Dave

Jay’s saying “It’s nice that they shrink and expand but do they swing when he runs? ‘Cause that’s what I wanna know

Jay

[Chuckling] I’m there manoeuvring the camera as the horse is galloping, trying to invert it. Get a good close up of those testies.

Dave

Yeah, exactly, a good close up. But saying that though, we’re talking about it so maybe, you know, it’s a good thing to do because it’s a talking point.

Jay

I think, you know what, now you say it I think that’s probably the most likely reason they did it, is just a talking point.

Dave

I agree, I agree. Well we’re talking about it now.

Jay

I think they’ve got too many people now—they’ve got too many employees and too much hype to generate, that’s what I think.

Change Your PSN Name

Dave

So, moving on, I noticed that Playstation are allowing users to change their PSN names. I didn’t even know you weren’t allowed to do that, but apparently, they have it in testing at the moment where they’re allowing users to change their ID. It’s a pretty shit update, right? I don’t even know what the fuss is about; I don’t really want to change my ID name.

Jay

Mmmm you say that.

Dave

There are some tosser ID names though.

Jay

There definitely are. What if you made a spelling mistake, you know—you’re just embarrassed all these years, and now—through this update—you’re able to not become a joke again.

Dave

Maybe, yeah [laughing] not become a joke. Maybe there is something in it, but it just seems like, why is this a feature they’re releasing now? I wonder what the reason was for them not…

Jay

It’s amazing how upset people get over different things. People got really upset over the Fortnite cross-play, didn’t they?

Dave

Yep.

Jay

Backwards compatibility as well?

Dave

I don’t get about backwards compatibility.

Jay

We’ve talked about this before. You know what, I think we’ve slagged-off before the ability to play games backwards and said “why would anyone want to do that?” but apparently it’s a really popular feature—apparently lots of people use it.

Dave

Well, we’re coming from a standpoint though that we don’t have time—we just want to play the newer games, you know. And then it’s trying to struggle finding time so maybe people that bundles of time…

Jay

Yeah. If you ever spot anyone playing a game with backwards compatibility you know, they’re a loser because they’ve got too much time on their hands.

Amazon Cloud MMO

Dave

[Laughing] OK, did you see Amazon? I didn’t even know—Amazon was working on a game, on an MMO game?

Jay

Is it like a cloud game? Like a streaming game?

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

It makes sense for them to get into that because Amazon is like a beast when it comes to cloud architecture, you know, scaling up things, so it would kind of make sense for them to have the infrastructure—they would have the infrastructure to do something like that.

Dave

Well, what was interesting was that it got leaked apparently on Porn Hub.

Jay

What? How did you know about that?

Dave

It’s on the news.

Jay

The Porn Hub news?

Dave

Not the nine o’clock news, not like Trevor McDonald, if he’s still knocking around.

Jay

No-one knows who Trevor McDonald is, Dave.

Dave

Yeah they do, you racist.

Jay

Apart from our UK listeners. Guaranteed, any international listeners we have will not know who Trevor McDonald is.

Dave

Well, that’s a little side-mission for them.

Jay

Yeah, we always give them little Wikipedia rabbit-holes to go down.

Dave

So I don’t know how it managed to get on Porn Hub. You’re wife’s asking, “oh I’m just looking at the new Amazon MMO. Looks like Porn Hub”.

Jay

“News… Just News”. I’d be interested though, just because at one point when Microsoft tried to get into the gaming world everyone was mocking them, weren’t they? Do you remember when the original Xbox came out?

Dave

Yeah, you’re right.

Jay

Everyone was scoffing at them.

Dave

Everyone was poo-pooing that.

Jay

Look what happened.

Dave

Yeah, it’s not a million miles away to think that Amazon could create something, some sort of online-cloud-console-games, you know.

Jay

The only thing I would say is that the market is extremely saturated and, you know—we struggle with, what—three main brands bringing out consoles?

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

It’s hard, isn’t it?

Dave

So if you’re listening Amazon, you know—think before you act.

Jay

Yeah, you’ve scared off Bezos now. He calls a board meeting “It’s off!”

Dave

And he throws the guy that suggested it out of a window. That’s how he deals with failure. There’s just a pile of bodies in the car park that he’s thrown out the window.

Jay

He puts them in the Chinese lantern. Sends’em off with a note.

Dave

[Laughing] “Please bury this man. He did not perform”

Jay

“He will be dead by the time he gets with you”

New Game Releases

Dave

What have we missed while we’ve been away, release wise? I’ve got a list here of some games that’ve been released—Spider-Man, Assassin’s Creed, FIFA 19—which I _did buy. The FIFA thing is always ridiculous for me anyway because they do really minimal upgrades to the gameplay, but I always get suckered into buying it.

Jay

Do you not think that it’s a bit like Halo or Call of Duty—if you like those games you’re just going to get it, whatever. It would have to get less than an 8/10 for me to not buy something.

Dave

It’s like if you ditch your ex-girlfriend or something and then next year she comes round saying “I’ve improved!”

Jay

[Sniggers]

Dave

COD is out. I don’t care about COD. Tomb Raider, Mario Party…

Jay

You say you don’t care about COD, but actually, this is the first Call of Duty that I’ve been remotely interested in for a long time.

Dave

Based on what?

Jay

Based on the fact that a) They’ve ditched the single player, and b) It’s essentially just like a Battle Royale game now.

Dave

Yeah well I haven’t really seen any reviews or anything for it so…

Jay

It’s been reviewed pretty well.

Dave

Yeah?

Jay

On metacritic.com it’s got about 87.

Dave

That’s pretty good.

Jay

Yeah it’s pretty good considering how far along they are in the Call of Duty series. Normally they’re really harsh on games that have had that many sequels. If I was into Call of Duty I would give it a go, I think.

Dave

And the other game that came out was Forza. Forza 4, was it? I don’t even know what they’re on.

Jay

2 seconds Dave. I’ve just realised that I’ve locked my cat out.

Dave

God. [Mocks] Meow! Meow!

Jay

You’re saying that, that’s what I could hear!

Dave

You need to get him on that kite fast—give him some fresh air.

Jay

“If you meow again you’ll be in that lantern quicker than you know!”

Dave

Jay brings out the lantern. Back in the day people that were old school disciplinarians brought out out the dap—Jay brings out the lantern.

Jay

[Laughing] Forza—you were talking about Forza.

Dave

Oh Forza, yeah! Forza’s out as well. It’s based in the UK, right?

Jay

I made a note that it is—in my opinion—the first essential game on the Xbox One apart from Halo. Gears of War for the people that love that, but apart from Gears of War and Halo…

Dave

You mean exclusives, right?

Jay

Yeah, the first essential exclusive.

Dave

Ori and the Blind Forest?

Jay

[Pauses] yeah ok, but apart from that

Dave

[Laughing] what have the Romans done for us? Apart from the roads, the irrigation…

Jay

You know what I mean though, if you’re a racing fan, Forza would be a big swing; a big swing.

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

I would say more than Gran Tourismo because I feel like Gran Tourismo was just a standard release.

Dave

Yeah. Oh! PS5—this leads me onto our game. There have been rumours; well not rumours; the actual Sony CEO, Mr Kenichiro Yoshida—pardon my pronunciation, if that’s incorrect.

Jay

Well, it’s better than the Metal Gear Solid guy pronunciation. I can’t even remember his name, what was his name?

Dave

Kojimo, right? Kojima. But the Sony CEO was speaking to the financial times and was hinting at the PS5. But they must be making it anyway though, right? It’s not like a big reveal.

Jay

No, it’s not, but I find it quite interesting that we’re starting to hear the stirrings of the next generation, which means we’re in the sunsetting of this generation.

Dave

And those stirrings have lead me on to our little game today ‘cause, you know, we are the show that likes to have a game. I want to know, Jay, from you—and I’ll chip in as well, obviously—what PS5 features you would like. I want you to think about it from a realistic perspective and also from an “I Don’t Have Time To Game Anymore” perspective if that makes sense.

Jay

I know this is a game. Is this a jokey game or is this a serious game?

Dave

We can have a mix, right?

Jay

OK, I’ve got a serious suggestion off the bat.

Dave

OK, start with a serious suggestion. Apart from improved graphics and all that bullshit, you know.

Jay

Obvious yeah.

Dave

You can just see it’s just a PS4 where they’ve scratched off the 4 and they’ve just written “5”

Jay

They’ve just painted it a different colour. My favourite thing about the Nintendo Switch is the instant on feature. It saves the state—say for example you pause a game and you’re in the middle of the level in Mario or something and turn it back on. It’ll be exactly the same spot—there’s no booting up the game or going to the dashboard. I couldn’t believe that the PS4 doesn’t actually have a boot to disc feature—so if you turn it on and you want to just start the game that’s in the drive, you can’t do that—you have to go through the dashboard first.

Dave

And I tell you what annoys me with the PS4 sometimes, is that sometimes I have to, you know, turn it off really quick. Don’t ask me why.

Jay

[Laughing] so you’re not busted by your wife.

Dave

…When I’ve been telling her, I’ve been doing housework or maintenance. It has this flashing white light, and you can’t turn it off until that flashing white light has gone otherwise it’ll say “You did not turn it off correctly, this is dangerous!” like something’s going to blow up.

Jay

This is the thing though, Dave—I don’t think many people turn it off by the plug. I know you do, but I don’t think many other people do. I’ve never run into that thing where I’ve thought “Fuck, I want it to switch off faster”.

Dave

Well maybe that’s a feature for me—I want that feature removed. But I did have an idea for a different feature, which some may say is possible, some may say it’s not. From the fact that we are reduced in our gaming time, I want the new PS5 to have a camouflage feature.

Jay

Go on.

Dave

What that would mean is I want it to look like I’m doing something like ironing when I’m actually gaming.

Jay

So it miraculously morphs into an iron?

Dave

[Mock voice] “Oh David, good for him—he’s ironing again in the front room!”

Jay

That is the question—do we have the technology now? To morph?

Dave

“Are you ready to morph?”

Jay

[Chuckles] “Are you ready to morph?” That was Starfox Adventures for those that are wondering what the fuck that was.

Dave

I’m there in the living room with my eyes just glued to the wall, ironing. But really I’m gaming. But there’s different settings—it could be doing the dishes—my wife’s like “he’s doing the dishes in the living room?!”

Jay

You’d have to have a controller that looked like a dish.

Dave

So that’s something I would like Sony to really think about, for those people that don’t have time to game anymore. My wife’s like “Dave’s always ironing, but all my clothes are still wrinkled as fuck”. “He irons in the same spot every single night”.

Jay

[Laughing] “He’s just fixated with that stain. He can never get it out though”.

Dave

“You should see the determination in his eyes”. So yeah, camouflage is something I would like them to think about. So, on the same track, as I Don’t Have Time To Game Anymore, I remember us talking earlier about our partners not having a hobby. So I was hoping the Playstation could inform some sort of entertainment for the wife or the girlfriend. It’s just got a dildo on the side that comes out.

Jay

God.

Dave

But maybe that could be for the adults and maybe you could have one…

Jay

I was going to say, maybe it could be a third-party accessory. Sony does not want to associate itself with it. You know what, Dave? You could actually technically already do that.

Dave

What, have a dildo?

Jay

Yeah you could just plug it into the USB drive, you could do it this generation. Just plug it in, and you’re away.

Dave

I’m going to do a search for USB dildo.

Jay

The best thing is the front of the PS4 is like a slant, so maybe the dildo could be at an angle then so she could sit on it. Or he? or he?

Dave

Or he, yeah. So they’re just going up and down on the Playstation.

Jay

You eject the disc, it just goes through a barrier of… gunk.

Dave

Yeah well you know when they start to run out of features when they start implementing that. But maybe something along those lines—if not that then maybe something that just strokes your partner’s hair or something? Like a hand.

Jay

Like a weird hand. The creepiest thing ever.

Dave

Like a lamp that you can adjust, and it strokes their hair while you game. They’re catered for then—something that caters for your partner, that’s what I’m basically saying. Then I’m looking down my list, and the only other thing I’ve got on here is drinks cup holder—something to hold my coffee. It just sticks out on the side as a drinks cup. But that’s a dangerous place to hold a drink, right?

Jay

It is.

Dave

Well, waterproof PS5—look I’m just rolling them off the tongue—they need to get me in. Now! Get a helicopter on my roof.

Jay

Just get a lantern.

How To Insult Your Opponents

Dave

You did have a game as well Jay, right?

Jay

Yeah. So this is my game. You’ll be very familiar with this game, Dave, even though you don’t know what it is yet.

Dave

OK.

Jay

When Dave and I game online, it’s not just one game that’s happening, there’s a game within a game.

Dave

Oh yeaaah!

Jay

And the game within a game is insulting the other team [giggling] with messages.

Dave

It is classic, right?

Jay

So what happens normally is that—I mean this doesn’t need to be Halo—this could be Call of Duty, Fortnite.

Dave

Any multiplayer game, right?

Jay

Whatever. At some point one of team members will do something that is… ethically questionable. This could be camping around the corner.

Dave

Teabagging.

Jay

Teabagging is a classic; just hiding around the map; anything like this.

Dave

The way they move?

Jay

The way they move is another all-time offensive [laughing]. So it depends on the player but Dave and I, we normally try and be polite, upholding citizens in the gaming world, right Dave?

Dave

I agree with that, right—we are.

Jay

But as soon as someone makes the first strike—it’s on. So if someone teabags us.

Dave

So help me god! Hell and thunder, right? Hail and thunder?

Jay

Fire and fury.

Dave

Though I would add Jay’s almost looking for it, though. Even the remotest movement “Did he just try and teabag you, Dave?” He’s getting ready.

Jay

I do enjoy it, but at the same time, I do not initiate it. I thought the game could be you and I, we go through our messages, and deliver some classic insults for the viewers to maybe take up and, you know, get inspired by. I’ve got a few.

Dave

Text messages?

Jay

No. Messages on Xbox Live, now.

Dave

OK. Oh yeah, I’ve got the app now. You told me to download the app.

Jay

Right, so you’ve got the phone app where you can message people on that. So, I’ve got a few.

Dave

[Evil laugh]. A classic for me is—here’s a tip, listeners—if you want to really insult someone, always look at their Gamertag.

Jay

Yeah, that’s a good one.

Dave

Always look at their Gamertag because there’s always room to get one up on their Gamertag. So there was this one guy that was called “All Day Hustle”, and I think after he was being a bit of a dick online I sent him a message that just said “All day flab”. And he didn’t respond, so I consider that a win on my part.

Jay

Though the point where you win is the point where they no longer reply.

Dave

Yeah because they can go on forever but if they don’t reply then…

Jay

I’ve split my insults into categories now. So there’s the pre-emptive insult where they’ve just been dick-ish in the game where they’ve been just teabagging or bad tactics. You can win or lose; it doesn’t matter—you can still send a pre-emptive message.

Dave

It’s a very inclusive game, this.

Jay

My favourite is if they’ve been a dick, and they lose; what you do then is quickly look at a) Their Gamertag, as Dave said, and b) You look at their experience, and if they’ve got a lower score you write the number, so like “148” and whatever rank they are, then comma, and write “I’m embarrassed for you”.

Dave

“Mate”—you can add “mate” on the end.

Jay

You can add “mate”, yeah that’s a good one. But generally, if you say “I’m embarrassed for you” they get rage over that.

Dave

I’m just going through a few of mine now to see what’s going on.

Jay

Second category, while you’re doing that Dave, is when they quit—you do a pre-emptive message, so you can say “You must be having server issues, sorry to see you leave”. They know full well they’re not having server issues—they’ve just left.

Dave

Anyone that has a shit connection as well, there was one guy I remember—some people just lag all over the place, right?

Jay

Yep.

Dave

And just go straight in with the “Are you on dial-up?” ‘Cause I think that always gets them.

Jay

A good tip, if you’re short on time, is to use some emoticons.

Dave

The chicken’s classic, right?

Jay

Yep, so a new favourite of mine is if they quit I’ll put two chickens, right? And then also two aeroplanes—like they’re flying away/chickens flying away. So, a little bit abstract.

Dave

I like the “recycled” one, where I just send them a “recycled” emoticon. Anything that bamboozles them I think is good, where they don’t quite understand what you’re getting at, but you give the impression that you know what you’re on about. What about—here’s one—this is one you can use the emotion… the little…

Jay

Emoticons…

Dave

…and words. I said “The sword is mightier than the”, and then I just sent them a picture of the chicken.

Jay

[Chuckling] let me guess—he quit as well.

Dave

He quit, he quit.

Jay

So another one, if they start saying something “Haha, classic loser talk, I’m embarrassed for you mate”. The other thing is when they start having a go at you for the weapons you use—they might get annoyed that you’re using an auto weapon or something. And, you know, they’re dying, but they’re still getting annoyed about it. So I say “I just used whatever weapons I thought would wind you up. And what do you know, you quit like a crying baby—you were horrendous, I’m embarrassed for you mate”. Again, end on the embarrassed.

Dave

If you end up playing Sparrwhawk, you won’t win. You won’t win, is the answer to that ‘cause Jay’s ready.

Jay

The other one—I think you’ll like this, Dave—”We were laughing every time we killed you. Needless to say, we laughed a lot”

Dave

[Bursts out laughing]. And if any of those listeners out there are on the receiving end of Jay’s thing, get in touch and tell us how you feel [does impression] “How does it feel?”. We want to hear the other side of the coin, did Jay’s words have the desired effect?

Jay

Haha, that you signed up for the podcast. You tracked him down to his podcast and signed up.

End of the Show

Dave

I think we’re bang out of time, right?

Jay

We are bang out of time.

Dave

We hoped you enjoyed our come back from this time off, and we’re hoping now to get them out a bit more frequently, right Jay? Once every two weeks is our plan?

Jay

I was in judgement until that happens. I won’t commit myself.

Dave

If you are interested remember you can sign up to, our Twitter @IDHTTGA

Jay

Yep. If you want to star, heart, or favourite us on your podcast app of choice then that would be really great, if you could also give us review—it doesn’t have to be five-star.

Dave

And look out, we’ve got a collaboration going on, and Going to have some art in the show.

Jay

I was going to say that the next episode.

Dave

So there you go, listeners, that’s incentive to listen to the next show, to find out who this mystery artist is. Is it Banksy? Nobody knows.

Jay

[Chuckling] Yeah, it’s just a Bristol-based artist, that’s all I’d like to say. I’ve also got a note that you and I would like to issue a formal apology, Dave, for the quality of our last episode. You’ll be happy to know that Pete is still on probation.

Dave

I thought you were going to say Peter is dead. No, he’s on probation, bless his soul—Pete full stop. We have high hopes for Pete though come out with sort of grooming him— not in like a weird way. One day he can, you know, take over from us.

Jay

He’s in our will.

Dave

Yeah, on my deathbed I just hand him the USB stick.

Jay

[Laughing]. I thought you were going to say “hand him the microphone”.

Dave

I’ll say something cryptic then like “ fly you fools” like Gandalf did. goodbye from me.

Jay

[Laughing] good night God bless.

Dave

Good night God bless, buh-byeee!

Jay

Buh-bye.